


an unachievable normal

by hypermello



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Best Friends, Confusion, Crying, Doubt, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Help, Hurt No Comfort, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, Jealous Oikawa Tooru, Lies, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, No Volleyball, Not Beta Read, Oikawa Tooru-centric, One-Sided Attraction, Original Character(s), Pining Oikawa Tooru, Realization, Red String of Fate, Self-Doubt, Sobbing, Soulmates, Speeches, Talking, Teasing, Unrequited Love, Weddings, Why Did I Write This?, Wishful Thinking, no beta we die like daichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypermello/pseuds/hypermello
Summary: - maybe he wasn't meant to be loved.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	an unachievable normal

soulmates.

the concept was as old as time itself. a crimson string attached to your finger that would lead you too your soulmate. it could tangle and stretch, but it ultimately remained unbreakable. it would appear when you were young and stay the entirety of your life span.

sometimes people never found their soulmates. instead, they settled for others who had also been unlucky enough to never see the individual on the end of the string. or they remained alone. but for those who did, the connection was instant. 

of course, there are always exceptions. those whose strings turned black had lost their soulmate to death. and when the string turned white, it symbolized that their soulmate had given up the search and settled for another. the second was less common than one might think. most people would rather be alone for eternity than let go of the hope that they would find their soulmate.

oikawa had always wondered about his soulmate. what they looked like, their personality, everything. when he was a young child, he had spent hours pestering his parents about his soulmate. they responded with vague, uncertain, answers as parents do when they don't know they answers to questions. unfazed by what his parent's uncertainty, he continued to question.

he was too young to notice the whispered discussions between his parents that ensued when all of his friends but himself had gotten their red string.

he was eleven when he met iwaizumi. the boy had moved into their neighborhood and, since neighbors, especially kids, were scarce, oikawa took an immediate interest to him. the two became friends, iwaizumi's no-nonsense personality contrasting well with oikawa's playful and determined one.

at this point, oikawa's red string still had not made an appearance on his finger. he began to take note of the looks adults gave him as he passed. ones of pity. confused, he would ask his parents, receiving only the same answers that did nothing to clear the issue up. 

turning to the only person he thought would give him straight answers, he began to spend most, if not all, of his time, talking to iwaizumi. the dark-haired boy had gotten his red string years ago. for the first time in his short life, oikawa began to question why his string was not present on his finger.

-

the doctors didn't know why oikawa's string hadn't materialized. no-one did. they all had separate theories. but what they all agreed on was that he most likely would never have one and as a result of that, he would most likely never find his soulmate, if he even had one at all.

he was fourteen when the doctor had confirmed it to his face. up to this point, his knowledge of the whole situation had been limited to some other doctors opinions, which had always been patronizing and covered up by false affirmations of normality. hearing it said so flatly, so matter-of-factly, completely broke oikawa. he had sat there, silent. he didn't talk to anyone the whole ride home.

the second he got home, he ran. ran to the only person he felt he could talk to. iwaizumi had opened the door, a confused expression plastered on his face. it had quickly turned to concern when oikawa looked up at him with red, tear-filled eyes and flung himself onto his friend, sobs erupting from his throat as iwaizumi, still clueless as to what was the matter, attempted to the best of his ability to comfort oikawa.

after oikawa calmed down, ( not entirely, but enough to speak in somewhat understandable language ) , iwaizumi convinced him to come inside, gently leading up the flight of stairs to his room. the pair sat on the bed, mostly in silence, save for the occasional whimper from oikawa. oikawa rested his head against the shorter boy's shoulder, closing his eyes in a feeble attempt to escape from reality.

but no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that this wasn't real, that this was all a dream, it was never true. this was the truth, there was no running away from it. so he sat there, words failing to explain the emotions ever present inside of him.

he appreciated iwaizumi being there for him. even with the continuous banter and teasing the two of them exchanged, iwaizumi was his best friend, for better or worse.

-

two years passed and the pair remained close. the doctors had been correct in their assumption, a string never appeared on oikawa's finger. he had grown to tolerate the fact, but he never truly accepted it.

he tried getting into relationships, with all of them ending, some better than others. most of them he dated on a whim, just wanting to feel something. it never worked and just left him feeling more empty than before.

however, life moves on, whether you like it or not. oikawa dealt with the pain the way he had since as long as he could remember, he talked to iwaizumi and hoped things would get better.

things, of course, got worse.

oikawa wasn't bullied, per-say. it was more like harmless teasing. except for the fact that it wasn't so harmless. jokes were constantly made about oikawa's lack of soulmate and string respectively. oikawa just forced a grin, laughing awkwardly. it's not like they meant for their words to be hurtful. they were just joking around. that didn't stop the words from hurting though.

oikawa was tired of this. tired of the pitying glances sent in his direction. tired of the discussions whispered quietly amongst others when they thought he couldn't hear. tired of not being normal.

at least there was iwaizumi. iwaizumi, with his dark, spiky hair and disappointed glares. iwaizumi never treated him differently.

oikawa couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he realized he was in love with his friend. it had come both slowly and quickly, creeping up on him from the shadows and knocking him off of his feet. maybe his feelings had always been there, buried deep beneath platonic assumptions. whatever the case, oikawa didn't want them. he didn't want to fall for someone he could never have.

someone with a soulmate.

that realization in particular seared itself into his mind, burning him everytime his gaze strayed to the vibrant string tied around iwaizumi's finger. iwaizumi had a soulmate. oikawa didn't know who it was, but it certainly wasn't him. it was probably some really pretty girl or boy. and oikawa knew iwaizumi would love them. deep down, though he despised himself for thinking it, he wished iwaizumi wouldn't.

nothing had changed, but oikawa wished it would.

-

soon they were seventeen and, to oikawa's secret delight, iwaizumi hadn't found his soulmate yet. oikawa knew it was inevitable, but there was always a small chance. iwaizumi and oikawa sat on the former's bed, oikawa lounging on his stomach. iwaizumi had a clipboard and some paper. he had been trying to finish an essay, but oikawa had bugged him until he agreed that he'd could be quiet if he minded his own business. however annoying oikawa was, he wasn't straight-up mean. so he minded his own business, the only sounds in the room being that of the scribbling of iwaizumi's pencil and the slow ticking of the clock that hung on the wall.

oikawa stared blankly off into space, his mind wandering from thought to thought to quickly to keep track of them all. after an hour, the sound of scribbling ceased. iwaizumi stood up and walked over to place the papers on a table in the corner of his room. coming back, he sat next to oikawa. he looked down at the brunette, who was zoned out staring at the wall, with his chin supported by his hands.

"hey, trashykawa."

iwaizumi ran a quick hand through oikawa's hair to get his attention. oikawa jolted, looking up at iwaizumi in surprise, before his expression morphed into a playful pout.

"iwa-chan! you're messing up my hair!"

"you'll be fine."

oikawa hit him in the leg, with barely more force than a tap. iwaizumi looked down at him, unamused.

"mean iwa-chan!"

"hey, toru?"

the sound of his name made him freeze. iwaizumi almost never called him that. he tried to play it off the best he could.

"hm?"

"i think i might have found my soulmate."

those words cut through oikawa's soul, burning like embers in his mind. it seemed like a dream, more ethereal than earthly. no. the single word echoed countless times silently. no. no. nonononono. this wasn't happening. he could feel his world crumbling around him as he forced a grin, flashing a thumbs-up at iwaizumi. a fucking thumbs-up.

"that's great, iwa-chan!.." , he felt his words falter slightly and prayed that iwaizumi wouldn't notice.

he didn't.

"i know! i met her in my chemistry class. she seems pretty cool."

oikawa hated how this was probably the happiest he'd seem iwaizumi in all the years he'd known him. his heart twisted painfully as he watched iwaizumi fiddle with his string. why couldn't it be him? the answer was simple: the world isn't fair. it never will be. oikawa had prepared for this moment, but nothing could have readied him for the suddenness of it all. not countless hours spent lying awake at night thinking. not trying to convince himself that even though he didn't possess, he might still have a change.

he felt tears begin to pierce his vision and he blinked them back quickly. they threatened to spill, clouding his vision and making it blurry. oikawa wiped at his face furiously. this iwaizumi noticed, a look of concern crossing his face.

"is something wrong?"

crap. 

iwaizumi looked at him with those olive green eyes and oikawa wanted to fall off the face of the planet. he smiled up at his friend, straining against the tears.

"i'm just really happy for you."

at that, iwaizumi broke out in a smile.

"thanks."

-  
oikawa remembered meeting iwaizumi's soulmate for the first time.

her name was natsuko and she was beautiful. oikawa didn't think he'd ever seen such a pretty girl. he couldn't blame iwaizumi for falling for her. he had protested slightly when iwaizumi had suggested he meet her, justifying his protest by saying he would be third-wheeling. he eventually gave in though, even though he did end up third-wheeling.

and, sure, it hurt when he had to sit there listening to the two of them obsessing over each other. but, it hurt more to know iwaizumi would never look at him like he looked at natsuko, eyes full of adoration and love. 

even worse, though, was the thought of iwaizumi leaving his life forever. so he sat, making teasing comments about how he never thought he'd see the day when iwa-chan got a girlfriend and complimenting natsuko.

he had ended up leaving early, not wanting to be subject to the happy couple's displays of affection for any long than necessary. the two hadn't even barely acknowledged his departure, iwaizumi not even looking away from his conversation, just waving half-hazardly.

after that, iwaizumi didn't answer his texts for a week.

-

when oikawa wished for things to change, he didn't mean like this.

he hadn't had a real conversation with iwaizumi in months. the two of them were swiftly drifting apart, their friendship disappearing away like mist before his eyes. the only words they exchanged were greetings and the occasional two minute 'catch-up' where they, mostly oikawa, stumbled awkwardly around their words.

oikawa saw natsuko around sometimes and he had to resist the urge to scream at her when she waved at him, giving him that sweet, innocent smile of hers. ever once in a while, he would promise himself that he would ignore her. it never worked though. she was too oblivious to the whole situation for him to hate.

oikawa missed iwaizumi. it sucked being in love with someone you knew you could never have, but it sucked even more when your best friend since childhood seemingly began to ignore you. the lack of companionship in general began to take a toll on oikawa's mental health and stability.

had he done something wrong? iwaizumi surely hadn't, so he had to be the problem, right?

he began to spiral, his normally cheerful persona disappearing almost completely. forgoing eating and sleeping to spend his time waiting for vague texts back. he was falling apart.

things did eventually get better and the two of them began to hang out more, but by then everything had changed. the atmosphere between them was different, there was a noticeable rift.. it might have been due to the fact that iwaizumi mostly talked about natsuko, not noticing the pained expressions that flashed across oikawa's face at the mention of his girlfriend's name.

their conversations were stiff and awkward, oikawa dancing around any topic that would stir up unwanted thoughts.

he was walking on eggshells, treading lightly.

-

years later, he held an wedding invitation in his hand, the paper all white lace and ribbon. it was finally happening. iwaizumi, who he had been in love with since practically forever, was getting married.

and it wasn't to him.

natsuko and him really were destined to be together. oikawa could see it when they looked at each other, when they held hands. it could even be heard in their words. but oikawa kept quiet. long ago, he had made a silent unspoken promise to himself. he wouldn't tell iwaizumi. it would be pointless. he had a soulmate, it would just end in a ruined friendship and rejection and, quite frankly, oikawa didn't want to deal with that pain on top of everything else.

no matter what happened, he vowed not to ruin what they had now.

and, yes, there was only a thin, fragile line keeping him from blurting out his feelings overtime he looked at his best friend, but he was willing to sacrifice comfortable conversations without tension and movie nights and hugs, oh god, he missed those most of all, for the sake of just being able to be near iwaizumi.

at this point, it was no longer an innocent childhood crush. this was painful, like thorns sprouting out from his throat. everyone always said love hurts, but they never specified how much. oikawa had just assumed the hurt would give way to something more beautiful, as a small bud blossoms into a flower with vibrant petals. this wasn't what he had expected at all.

-

the wedding looked beautiful. a white archway stood at the front and center, hyacinths of white and lavender color peeking out from behind the lattice. there were flowers all around and a grand piano that glistened in the afternoon sun. a little ways away, a water fountain stood, water spraying up out of it in torrents. it was all rather breathtaking.

iwaizumi had chosen him as his best man, the gesture making his heart ache more than a little. he watched the wedding preparations begin, natsuko running around making everything was perfect, the pianist warming up, the photographers beginning to take photos of the scenery. iwaizumi himself was nowhere to be seen. everything was almost prepared and iwaizumi was still unable to be seen. oikawa decided to go look for him. he found him in the flower grove, sitting with his head in between his hands. oikawa walked towards him and sat down beside him. the groom-to-be looked up at him in acknowledgement, his expression a rare mixture of joy and nervousness for the coming event.

"toru."

"hajime."

the nickname iwa-chan had long since been forsaken. saying it had started to hurt oikawa's mental health.

"thank you for coming."

oikawa practically scoffed.

"of course i did, i would be a horrible best friend if i didn't!"

iwaizumi chuckled, the sound rumbling from low in his throat.

"yeah, i guess you would be."

the two sat in silence for a few minutes before iwaizumi spoke.

"thank you for sticking around this long. i'm lucky to have a friend like you."

"don't get all sentimental on me now, hajime."

the words were tinged with fondness and oikawa could hear his voice breaking as he spoke.

iwaizumi looked at him, dark eyes seemingly boring holes into his skin.

"i just wanted you to know. i appreciate you."

appreciate, but never love.

"i know, i know, i'm amazing."

now it was iwaizumi's turn to scoff, playfully hitting him in the arm like he had done so many times before. oikawa stood up.

"we should head back. natsuko will probably be out of her mind with worry."

iwaizumi nodded, standing up as well.

the two of them walked back in silence and secretly, oikawa knew, this was the end.

-

the wedding was as aesthetic and beautiful as it looked. oikawa had given a speech, tearing up half-way through. this time he let the tears flow, masking romantic feelings under ones of platonic fondness. he stared straight ahead, eyes locked on trees. he didn't want to see iwaizumi's expression. he didn't want to see natsuko in her beautiful, flowing, white dress. the words poured out until his throat was sore and empty. and then he stepped down.

the rest of the event went by in a blur of vows and cheers and kissing. he wasn't able to speak to iwaizumi at all, the cause of that being the crowd that surrounded the newly-married couple. the after-part was short, consisting of a small dinner and piano music. oikawa sat alone.

the last time he caught a glimpse of the man was at the end of the after-party, carrying natsuko bridal-style over the walkway to their car. the strings on their fingers wound closely together there were many whoops and cheers from the guest as they drove off into the sunset, lights flashing. the brunette just stood there, staring after the car. he knew their friendship would never be the same.

he would never be the same. no matter how hard he tried to forget, he wouldn't be able to. his whole life would be haunted by this night. a piece of himself had been destroyed this evening. and he knew that this feeling would last forever, regardless of what he would try to get rid of it. he would always love iwaizumi, even if iwaizumi never loved him back.

**Author's Note:**

> please comment! if you do, i really appreciate it! <33 ( honestly, i appreciate it if you've read this at all! )
> 
> i'm always open for story ideas, so if you have some, i'm down to hear them! :D


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